leaving well…

Leaving Well

What does it mean?

Several thoughts might run through your mind, and even after reading this you may choose a very different way to define it for yourself. For me, Leaving Well has become a mission, maybe even a mandate, and it all started in my bed, in the dark, on a somber September night.

Hearing the sad news of a friends passing and attending his funeral brought it home again. We’ve lost too many, too soon.

September brings with it a deep sadness. It began to represent loss since the night my father passed away over twenty years ago. Then, in September 2014 my marriage ended, my health failed, and quite unexpectedly, I lost my mother.

In my book, Trading Shadows, due out this quarter, I’ve written a chapter entitled Leaving Well. In it I recall the night mom died, and the events that followed.

Here’s an excerpt:

After a flood of tears, we sat in silent shock. Our exhausted bodies tossed by waves of denial and reality. Finally, when her body was cold, no color left in her cheeks, and we were sure she was not going to sit up and start giving orders, we left the hospital without her. 

I lay in bed that night, unable to shut away my thoughts. I begged God to help me. I didn’t get to say what I needed to say or ask what I needed to know. I’d exchanged courage for regret and had no idea how to live with that. 

Then, a gentle vision opened in the dark above me. An amazing picture unfolded, trimmed in shimmering gold. I could see an amber glow above a field of waist high grass and wildflowers. Leafy green trees swayed in a gentle breeze and framed the scene. Standing in front of me was a young woman in a soft dress. Her auburn hair brushed her shoulders as her hands combed the grass. Her head tilted to the left and the sweetest smile graced her face. Then, the scene folded away as quickly as it had opened. God had graciously shown me my mother was finally at peace, and then so was I.

After the beautiful vision that night, God spoke through the darkness and said, “It is your responsibility to leave your people well. Your mother didn’t know how to do that. Forgive her.”

How do we really leave our people well?

There is a book by Bonnie Ware, The Top Five Regrets of the Dying. She wrote it after working many years for hospice. All her patients seemed to have the same regrets, aspects of their lives they wished they’d done differently. 

Here they are:

1.     I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me. 

2.     I wish I didn’t work so hard.

3.     I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.

4.     I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

5.     I wish I’d let myself be happier.

All five come down to our limit of time and relationships. If these five are the most common regrets at the end of life, it makes sense this would be the best place to start changing. Relationships are everything, not all we accumulate, nor what we do for a career. It’s about investing in flesh and bone, the heart, and what matters eternally.

Number four causes me significant pain. I’m terrible at keeping in touch. It’s a weakness I dislike about myself. I get overwhelmed with life, being a single mother, making ends meet, and let precious friends slip through my fingers. Some have passed away in the last few years, and I’m broken over it. I still grieve over it. I waited too late, and my tears won’t cover it.

End of excerpt:

Nine years have passed since my mother transitioned to Heaven. I’ve had all that time to think about what it means to ‘leave your people well.’ I’m still learning, and failing, but here’s what I now know to be true.

What matters is leaving those you love with a sense of well-being they can pass on to their children. Whatever it takes, no matter the cost, and the price is usually our pride. Trading courage for regret never ends well and pride isn’t worth protecting.

We have to stay off the path of least resistance. Say what needs to be said and do what needs to be done. Don’t think twice or let fear stop you. Champion the truth, and fight for the ones you love, even if they fight you back.

Bring up tough subjects, listen, swallow your pride, and say you’re sorry. Even if it means you must do the “walk of shame.” Let it all go!

Drive the miles to see your friends, your parents, your kids, or the grandbaby. Pick and choose your battles and lay down your grudges, and just love your people.

Tell the truth in love so healing can take place. Don’t forget to invite the Great Physician to bring the medicine.

Muster the courage to tell those you love the great news of the Gospel before it’s too late. None of us know the day or the hour we’ll take our last breath on earth. I believe our time here is short and we can’t afford to procrastinate any longer.

By the way, if you need a friend, to be connected in community, please let someone know, send out a SOS, and let someone into your circumstance. More people care about you than you may think. You might be surprised, so give them a chance to step in.

Oh, but God…

He is faithful to take every hard thing in our lives and make something lovely.

Today, September 28th, is the 9th anniversary of mom home going! I honor her today!

Thanks for reading, Dana